Sweet Nothings

I was on the blower last night to Marks and Spencer.

M&S has such a strong brand that I led myself to expect something slightly special from their customer services line – the telephonic equivalent of a beef bourguignon ready meal. But while the people I spoke with were pretty good, I was surprised at their wait music. This is a no-frills customer services line. No hold music (I was expecting music to coincide with whatever vaguely retro not-dead-yet ad campaign they are running at the mintute). Instead, just a ringing tone, punctuated by a northern lass saying:

‘We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls. Please be assured that your call will be answered as quickly as possible.’

Personally, I prefer the plain sound of a ringing tone to listenining to The Corrs occasionally interrupted with suggestions to check out their website and the like. The worst I have come across in this regard is UTV. Its helpline has a radio station playing, which is bearable enough, but then Julian Simmons barges in every now and again to tell you that all agents are busy.

So the M&S message is pretty much the standard message placed on helplines. I have often wondered if this is a deliberate strategy on the part of businesses, it having been proven that customers on balance respond best to these empty words, or if the businesses invest or nothing here since providing an update on a sofa delivery or whatever is a fundamentally unprofitable activity.

I think it’s probably the latter, as demonstrated by the next sentence, which may mean something for the people who have to set up the call centre infrastructure, but is pretty much devoid of any meaning for someone who just wants to speak to someone about the arrival of their oak chest of drawers.

‘All calls are answered on a strict rotational basis.’

Perhaps ‘a strict rotational basis’ is the type of seat used by the people who work in the call centre. Or maybe it’s a new fangled way of saying ‘around the clock’.

Update: the current customer service line is certainly doing the business for M&S Chief Executive Stuart Rose, who pocketed a 68% pay rise last year, earning £3.6m overall. Most of this came from bonuses, earned by staying behind to take calls for the furniture department helpline.