In Liga With Terrorists

And then there was this:

What about passengers that need medicines, dietary foods or baby food in liquid form?
The new EU aviation security regulations allow some exemptions to the restrictions. These include essential medicines and dietary requirements in liquid form, for example baby-food or food for people on special diets. Passengers are allowed to bring these items to the screening points in the quantities that they need during their trip.

However, as a safeguard, passengers may be required to demonstrate that the product is real medicine or special food, and not something less innocent.

For a product to be innocent, it needs to possess the potential for a conscience. But that is besides the point I was going to make, which is that this is one of the most mindless and ridiculous of security restrictions.

Suppose you’re a fanatical terrorist, hell-bent on causing destruction, and you want to blow up a plane. And you figure….security is tight on airplanes these days, they’re checking for explosives and everything. Maybe I could go looking for liquid bombs, even though they are practically impossible, and the most famous plot involving their use turned out to be a load of bollocks.

But let’s say you manage to get your hands on the material to make ‘liquid bombs’ and you decide you’re going to smuggle it onto a plane. Only problem is, you need more than 100ml for the ‘liquid explosives’ to have any real effect. So, instead of getting a few containers of less than 100ml, sticking your liquids in there and then buying a bigger bottle (a mineral water bottle would do) once you get into the shopping area at departures, you try and trick the security guards by even more wily means. You know that the weak-kneed clowns in worldwide airport security still have a modicum of compassion for babies, so -nasty terrrrrrist that you are- you decide to exploit their values, by sticking the liquid explosives into a baby’s bottle. Hah! A baby’s bottle – they’ll never think of looking there!

Let’s recap on what’s needed.

Basic Requirements for Blowing Up a Plane

  1. Liquid explosives
  2. Baby bottle
  3. Something that will make the liquid explosives look like baby milk
  4. Baby

Easy, yes? Unfortunately, it’ll probably have to be your own baby, since no-one else is likely to let you use theirs. And you would be doing very well to snatch someone else’s baby and their baby’s passport (unless, of course, you are able to get a forged passport for the other person’s baby) and manage to board a plane, without the parent noticing and calling the police.

OK, let’s assume you decide to use your own baby. (There are some sad dupes out there who think it extremely unlikely that a parent would use his or her baby in an airline bombing. Unfortunately we in the vigilant community know better) This is the sort of thing that requires a hell of a lot of practice. You need to be able to co-ordinate looking after a baby and building a bomb at the same time. You also need to make sure that the baby is well behaved, because that can interfere with your plans. And you need to get someone else to travel with you too, because it would look pretty strange for you to rush back and forth to the toilet and leave your baby sitting there looking out over Leixlip while you put together your liquid bomb (which doesn’t in fact work).

I think it is becoming clear that the prospects of this sort of thing working are quite slim. But what of the security measures meant to stop these fanatical baby-employing terrorists? Well, what is proposed is that the passenger demonstrate that the product is real food, i.e. they need to taste it.

I don’t know about you, but if I was planning on blowing up a plane, I wouldn’t have too much difficulty taking a slug of the baby-milk type substance, even if it was extremely disgusting and toxic, since I’d be blowing myself to smithereens anyway 45 minutes later. If I was going to blow up a plane, I could take a sip of whatever was going and not flinch. I’d have practised well in advance, by wolfing down Turkish Delight bars with a smile on my face. If it was really revolting, I’d go straight for the bogs and heave my guts up.

I’m not looking forward to Sunday, I tell you that.

(Note to any security personnel that might be reading this: I’m not looking forward to Sunday because I have to bring a baby through airport security – not because I am planning on blowing up a plane. Thanks.)


1 Response to “In Liga With Terrorists”

  1. 1 annemollie March 26, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    You have excelled yourself – been on the Sangria?

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