Decalogues of Dyspepsia

Aww shit. I spent about 25 minutes writing a post listing the technology related stuff I hate, then I go and save over it another post I was writing about the books I’ve been reading of late.

It went something like this: one of the things that stops me from writing more stuff here is that although I am continually gripped with the urge to write rants and lists of complaint, I fear that to give way to this urge would destroy the image I have of myself as a fundamentally rational person.

A purpose of this page is to provide me with a starting point for my own thoughts, rather than their complete expression. My fear is that if I started ranting and complaining about things regularly, I would be unable to stop. My brain would rot and that by age 40 I would be still ranting and complaining, by then as a trenchant reactionary who called for, among other things, mass deportations of immigrants, and sterilisation of the poorest sectors of society. Ranting and complaining would become an end in itself, and the blog would become a hobby, just as some people alleviate the boredom of modern existence by painting watercolours of Manchester United footballers, or line dancing.

Furthermore, I am cautious about complaining excessively because I know that I am in a better situation overall than the vast majority of people living on the planet.

Considering the above, I think: who’m I fooling? Sometimes it’s a bit of a chore finding material of consequence, but if I packed it in tomorrow, I could still end up as an embittered reactionary anyway, and I’d only have the immigrants to blame. And is not complaining somehow going to alleviate the misery of untold billions?

This leads me to think that I should open up the floor more frequently to my own gripes and frustrations. Why should I let the people who spoil your fun do so twice over?

So, technology-related stuff I hate, which contains some of the stuff I had listed in the previous post, but some other stuff too, which may be of inferior quality to some of the stuff I deleted. My hatred has nothing to do with the functionality of the technology, but rather with what people do with it.

  1. YouTube videos with self-important caption sequences, fading far too slowly and portentously, created by individuals with the editing skills of a crow.
  2. YouTube videos with gaudy introduction sequences, often containing the self-important caption sequences mentioned above, but with claims like ‘This music video brought to you by Pannettone Brothers On-line Entertainment Services’, before fading to a taped video off VH1 or a really crappy excerpt of Family Guy.
  3. Technology as protagonist in news stories. The role of technology in the latest humanitarian disaster/terrorist outrage/doolally starlet banged up in mental health institution story. How Twitter helped Gloucestershire residents tell their families on the other side of the country that their carpets were still safe from the floods! How Islamist terrorists have been keeping Islamist terrorist encyclopedias- on their Blackberries! How famous people use the internet too, as evidenced by a comment left by a famous moron on the Bebo site of another famous moron currently in rehab!
  4. How The Internet Is Turning Us Into Base Ignorant Monsters. Or, buy my deeply intellectual book on Amazon.
  5. Technology Is Enslaving Us! Which is why I refused to have a CT scan in order to keep the oppressive machinery of the state out of my brain!
  6. Technology Is Liberating Us! Or, how my electronic tagging device has me back home for Property Ladder.
  7. Cool gadgets! (oxymoron)
  8. Cool widgets! (even more egregious oxymoron)
  9. The Internet is Bad Because it Allows Nasty People to Say Not Nice Things, and Sometimes Inspires Narcissistic Serial Killers, and You Get Lots of Stalkers on It. (The real world is also Bad.)
  10. The Internet is Good Because if it wasn’t for it, People wouldn’t be able to Hear All The Really Important Things Me and the Online Friends Whose Ass I Kiss Every Day Have To Say.

I could go on, but I can’t be bothered.

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4 Responses to “Decalogues of Dyspepsia”


  1. 1 Mark Waters January 30, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    Recovered from my feedreader. Yeah, seven was probably more than sufficient.

    One of the things that stops me writing more on this page is that I try and avoid facile stuff like long rants and lists of complaints, even though this is what I feel like write most of the time.

    I do this because I convince myself that the purpose of the page, however uneven the content, is to provide me with a starting point for some higher form of intellectual enquiry. To rant, then, is to destroy my own image of myself as a fundamentally rational personal. Another thing is that complaining about stuff gives me little satisfaction when I consider that the majority of the world is in a far worse situation than my own.

    That considered: who’m I fooling? Wouldn’t it be more fun to bellyache more openly and regularly about stuff? And is not complaining about stuff going to do anything to address the misery of billions?

    So, technology-related stuff I hate.

    1. YouTube videos with seemingly interminable caption sequences, put together by a person with the editing skills of a crow.
    2. YouTube videos with gaudy opening fanfare sequences that say things like ‘A Pannettone Brothers Production All Rights Reserved 2008′, before showing a video originally taped off VH1.
    3. News stories with technology as the protagonist in the latest humanitarian disaster/terrorist outrage/bout of extremely inclement weather/sad starlet goes doolally. You know what I’m talking about. Gloucestershire residents using their Twitter pages to let their family at the other end of the country know that their carpet wasn’t destroyed in the latest floods. Islamist terrorists keeping Islamist terror encyclopedias – on their Blackberries! Celebrities use internet too shock horror probe as celebrity moron A leaves message of support celebrity moron B website!
    4. How Technology Enslaves Us! Or, how I turned down that CT scan in rejection of the oppressive technological machinery of the state!
    5. How Technology Liberates Us! Or, how my electronic tag means I’m home for Property Ladder every night!
    6. How The Internet Is Making Base and Ignorant Monsters Of Us All! Or, buy my deeply intellectual book on Amazon.
    7. Cool gadgets! (oxymoron)

    I see no need to go any further with this. A list of seven is more than sufficient. Think Seven Rooms of Gloom by The Four Tops, or Snow White and The Seven Perverts.

  2. 2 Hugh Green January 30, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    Cheers for that – I’m quite impressed at my own powers of recall!

  3. 3 Mark Waters January 31, 2008 at 8:55 am

    Me too, although I see you managed to erase the image of the seven perverts from your mind. No mean feat.


  1. 1 Power Have The People « Most Sincerely Folks Trackback on February 6, 2008 at 3:11 pm

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