On Not Blogging

Yes I know I said I’d plan some posts, but <add excuse here>. There is a new book out by George Steiner in which he writes about the books he has not written. So I figured I should write a post about the posts I haven’t written.

  • The one about the Bourne Supremacy where I talk about how the action scenes are good but the plot is silly, especially the bit at the end where Matt Damon’s sympathetic contact on the inside decides to hand over the files to the president about the CIA malarkey where they’ve been killing. American. citizens. “I didn’t join up for this”, she says, or words to that effect. Missing from the script is the line that ought to have followed, where she says “I signed up for arming death squads, staging coups against democratically elected governments, supporting fascist juntas: all that good stuff. It was either that or KPMG.” Oh, and apparently the president didn’t know anything about any of these rogue CIA people. He’ll sort it out, just you wait.
  • The one about the man who appeared at the Hillary Clinton carrying a large ‘Iron My Shirt‘ poster. Now I hate ironing as much as the next man or woman, but I don’t hate it so much that I would bother my ass putting it on a big placard and showing it to Hillary Clinton. I have known plenty of sexist men, and I would expect most of them to be far too lazy to do any such thing. Still, Hillary managed to raise a cheer from the crowd when she faced him down, what? Only in America.
  • The one where I wonder why it is that any time I look at a newspaper there is a picture of Cecilia Ahern in it. I bet Libyan newspapers are always full of stories about the achievements of Col. Gaddafi’s son.
  • The one where I say that Small is Beautiful and Big is Beautiful mean the same thing. I consider SUVs and Blackberries, and identify them as part of the same phenomenon: a manifest desire on the part of a certain class of person to look big. The SUV is an expansion of the body (similar to the way a car with a long bonnet is a substitute for a penis extension) and the tiny mobile devices confer a sense of gigantism to the holder. Behold my enormous hands! I am a god.
  • The one where I talk about ditching Cormac McCarthy’s The Road half way through, and say that like the contributor to Edge who spotted the same thing, it’s like Beckett without the humour. Danny Champion of the World Waiting for Worstward Ho would be an alternative title. There’s a scene in it where they find a house stocked with tinned fruit. I stopped right after that.
  • The one where I consider the talk about truth in Northern Ireland and whether or not the Inconveniences should be classed as a Headache, and also whether or not the Troubles should be considered a War. I go on to say that many commentators are saying, well, if it was a war then the IRA and the loyalist paramilitaries should all be tried for war crimes. To which I say, yes, and so should quite a few agents of the British state, which is one of the reasons why it is never going to be called a war.
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