Archive for May 4th, 2005

Gratuitous Lies I Have Told When Drunk

The brouhaha caused by disgraced TD Jim McDaid’s antics last week got me thinking about all the bad things I have done when drunk. I have never drunk and driven (for some reason that doesn’t really sound right – ‘I have never drank and driv’ somehow sounds better), nor do I get violent when drunk. My main downfall is a tendency to excessive exaggeration and outright fabrication.

The following are some of the gratuitous lies I have told when drunk. When I say gratuitous, I mean lies that go above and beyond the standard lie that is considered acceptable when told in a drunken scenario e.g. I have only had 3 pints; You’re lovely lookin’ so ye are.

Physical prowess/weakness

I really shouldn’t be drinking this much. My remaining kidney won’t be able to withstand it.

I’m not drunk, I’ve got narcolepsy. What right have you got to throw me out?

Curled it with the outside of my right boot and it looped over the keeper from all of 30 yards out.

Fame

It’s funny you should say that: he’s actually a cousin of mine.

Pissed out of his head he was. But the soundest guy you could meet. Nothing like what he’s like on telly.

You were brilliant on Countdown, you really were. Everybody’s been saying so. That 9-letter word you got was unbelievable.

Northern Ireland/The North

I drank more in England than I ever did in Ireland. Conversation inevitably turned to ‘the troubles’ from time to time. Here my lies included:

Membership of the IRA, UVF, Orange Order. Kinship with members of the IRA, UVF, Orange Order.

Knowing what it feels like to be hit in the backside with a plastic bullet.

Fluency in Irish.

Youse police are dead on so yis are. Thanks very much for letting me off with a caution. I’ll leave the chair back so I will. Y’know, (here comes the lie) I always wanted to be a police officer, but where I come from ye could get yer fucken head blew off.


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