My humble abode is rather useful for friends and relatives from the North, as they often stop here to stay overnight if they are catching a flight early the next morning from Dublin airport, or if they are on a return flight late at night. It has also been used, on occasion, by people stopping for the night on the way to Cork.
The other day I got a call from a relative. He was on his way to Cork to kidnap and torture someone, and he asked if I would mind if he stopped off on the way back. Naturally I was concerned.
“I’m not too sure about this.”, sez I. “I’m not dying about the idea of you stopping off here to stay the night when there’s some guy gagged and bound in the boot of your car.”
“Ah, sure don’t worry about that.” sez he. “One, the guy’s a nasty piece of work. Two, I won’t have him with me when I stop off at your place. I’ll be dropping him off somewhere else. I just need somewhere to bed down for the night”
“Fair enough,” sez I, “but I wouldn’t mind having a wee look in your boot when you stop off here. It’s not that I don’t believe you or anything. It’s just the whole idea of kidnapping and torturing someone, well, it’s not the sort of thing that goes on in my estate. If word got out about it, the house prices could take a dive.”
“Eh, no. You can’t have a look in my boot.”
“Why not?”
“You’re insulting me now by thinking that I would lie to you. I give you my utmost assurance that there will be no-one in the boot when I arrive at your gaff. “
“Terribly sorry about that, I didn’t-”
“I mean, what do you take me for: some sort of common criminal?”
“It’s not that, I-”
“After all the generosity I’ve shown you in the past, you ungrateful bastard. If you’re going to continue to insult me like that, I’ll just have to carry on up the M1 after driving flat out for 7 hours. I’ll probably be asleep at the wheel by the time I get to the Toll Plaza.”
“No, wait, please-”
“I wouldn’t mind only it’s not me I’m worried about, it’s my fellow drivers. Have you no consideration for them?”
“It’s ok, you can-”
“And what about the poor wee girls working in the toll booths? Christ but you’re a selfish ba-”
“No, listen, it’s ok, you can stay. Please stay. I’d feel terrible if you didn’t. I’m sorry for doubting you.”
“You sure?”
“Yep.”
“I hope you’re not going to slight my honour by trying to sneak a peek in my boot either, because I’d be very insulted.”
“Not at all – never!”
“‘Cos you and me go way back, like.”
“Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry.”
“And I certainly hope that this doesn’t affect our already existing arrangement whereby I stop at your gaff on the way to blow people up….”
“No, not at all – of course not! Perish the thought!”
“Good man. Sure doesn’t the extra money come in handy for you? See you Tuesday! I’ll bring a packet of Jaffa cakes.”
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